Buffy the Sparklepire Slayer
by Virtuous Vampire
Summary: When Edward leaves Bella in New Moon he travels to Sunnydale to find a new pet that will be strong enough to snuggle with. He wasn't expecting Buffy to have independence. During season 3/New Moon. Warning- Twilight bashing.


**Hey, more Twilight bashing from yours truly. I love Buffy and this is my first attempt at playing with those amazing characters so I hope y'all enjoy! This takes place in season 3 of Buffy between 'The Zeppo'and 'Bad Girls'. I hope everything makes sense in that context and I didn't mess up any continuity! And from the Twilight angle it takes place during New Moon. P.S- I know season 3 takes place in 1998/1999 and Twilight takes place in the 00's but please try and cut me some slack as the story couldn't have worked any other way!**

**Enjoy and R&R!**

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****Buffy the Sparklepire Slayer**

The noise emanating from the classroom resembled a wave of chatter, in the period before the teacher arrived to start the lesson. A certain duo were contributing to the prattle at the back row of the room, a blond girl narrating and a redhead offering commentary.

"Aww! That's so sweet! Then what happened?"

"Well, just as the really good part was about to happen, Angel threw a banana at me. Kind of killed the buzz. I mean, if we can't have sex in reality, I should at least be able to depend on my dreams for the wiggly goodness," Buffy pouted. A sexually frustrated Slayer was a grouchy Slayer. She decided to listen to her friend's late-night reveries in an effort to distract herself.

"What about you, Will? Any naked Oz feature in your dream last night?"

Now it was the redhead's turn to pout.

"Alas, no. I dreamt I was being eaten alive by my Calculas book. Must have something to do with the test we have later today…"

"We have a test later today?" Buffy asked, clearly panicked.

Before Willow could console her friend, all went quiet as the English teacher entered. The class usually ignored the teacher's entrance but today was a clear exception. The reason for this being that he had a new student in tow. A damn fine one at that.

At Mr. Henderson's side was a tall, compact yet lightly muscled young man with golden eyes and…_bronze _hair? Weird. His skin was also kind of greasy/sweaty looking and he looked kind of depressed. Putting those little nitpicks to one side, Buffy gave him an A minus in the looks department.

As she subconsciously sent her grade off in a little envelope to the Buffy Encyclopedia of Hot Guys in the Leisure Department of her brain, she thought she noted a flicker of annoyance on the new guy's face. _Huh._

Before she could dwell on it further, Willow whispered in her ear, "Looks kinda like Angel."

Buffy gave an indignant huff in response. "Are you kidding me? My baby's frown is a manly scowl of manliness! This guy's frown is like a child pouting!" she pouted. "Also, Angel has a bigger forehead."

"Sorry to interrupt your furious whispering Ms. Summers but I'd like to introduce our new student."

She blushed and made a zipping motion with her hand to her lips.

"Everyone, this is Edward Cullen who has transferred here from Forks, Washington. He's a straight A student and a responsible kid who gives 110% everyday…"

"Meaning, he's a giant hall monitor and a buzz kill…no offence, Will," Buffy initiated the whispering once more.

"None taken, amigo. This guys' so serious he makes me look like Faith!"

They giggled to themselves as Mr. Henderson finished the introduction.

Edward was directed to his seat, a row in front of Buffy. The Slayer couldn't help but notice how he fixed her with an icy glare before he sat down. _Jeez, he's all bad moody._

The class was boring. They started _Othello, _and while Buffy found the story quite interesting, her enthusiasm was drained by the fact that the new kid wouldn't stop answering all the questions. Hell, the guy was even stealing Willow's thunder. He also kept staring at her during class and scowling, as if he could tell that she was drawing pictures of a topless Angel on the inside cover of her book. By the end of class she was ever so slightly freaked out.

When the bell rang she scooted out to her locker as quickly as possible. She wasn't scared of Edward or anything….he was just weird.

"Hi, I'm James Dea- Edward Cullen, nice to meet you Buffy."

At the sound of his cold voice right behind her, the Slayer almost did a spin-kick in his direction. She suppressed the urge and turned to greet him.

"How do you know my name?" she didn't bother beating around the bush.

"That's what Mr. Henderson called you," he replied.

"Nuhuh, he called me Ms. Summers."

"When he called attendance-"

"He forgot to call attendance today."

There was a long awkward silence as he struggled to explain.

_God, what a freak…_

"Hey!"

She flinched in surprise. "So, aside from knowing things you shouldn't and shouting at random moments, do you have _any _social skills?"

"Do you wanna go out with me sometime? I could watch you eat and sleep and then I could save you from being raped because I'm a man and you're a woman."

She laughed out loud because she didn't know what else to do. She figured he must be quoting something to make her change her mind about him. It was kind of charming…pretending to be a stalkerish misogynist. She decided to let him down gently.

"No offence Eddy, but I'm kinda into older guys and you're a bit young for me. Don't take it personally."

With that she scurried off to Math, hoping he wouldn't tag after her. Little did she know that he was monitoring her every movement.

The next time she saw him was at the line for lunch. He was behind her so she didn't notice him at first.

"Come on Will! Since Xanders' at home sick you're just gonna have to eat his lunch for him!"

"Buffy, have you _seen_ how much that boy eats? It's enough to feed a wolf." With that Willow affectionately leaned her head on her boyfriend's shoulder. Oz smiled a secret smile.

Buffy laughed at their general adorableness. "Fine, no salad for me today. Three slices of pizza, four Twinkies and a Coke."

Just as the lunch lady was distributing her meal, Buffy felt someone whisper in her ear, "A moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips."

This was beyond creepy. Who the hell did this guy think he was? She would make him regret coming between the Slayer and her prey, eh, meal.

She turned to him, intending to give him a piece of her mind and/or fist. But once she looked at him she found herself coming to a sudden realisation- this guy had a reason to be such a douche. Maybe he was following her around all the time because he felt he had to prove something to himself. Although he seemed to watch her with some weird fascination, she couldn't see any hint of lust or desire. Edward was _gay._

"If my eating habits are so disgusting to you I think you should sit far away. Hey Larry, is it cool if the new guy sits with you?"

"Yeah, he's _nice,"_ the football player commented, before slinging an arm over the confused boy and leading him to the spot in front of him in the lunch line.

With her good deed of matchmaking done for the day, the Slayer ordered her fatty food and sat with her friends, all the while trying to ignore Edward's intense stare.

oooOOOoooOOO

"So, let me get this straight….the guy bursts out with bull at random intervals and then more or less tells you you're fat?! Not exactly moves that the X-man would condone. I wish I was there," Xander said, enviously.

Him, Oz, Willow and Buffy were seated at the Bronze, swaying lightly to the music. Buffy wasn't buying his story.

"Right, Xand- you were sick this morning yet you're perfectly able to hang with us tonight. That's not suspicious at all," she winked at him, playfully.

"Buff, I'm _shocked_! I hope you're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting." He choked under her mock scrutiny. "Okay, it was a Mental Health Day. Not enough emphasis put on that these days. That should be obvious from your dealings with the Angel wannabee."

Willow snorted into her Coke and Buffy tried to suppress a smile. The expression faded when she caught Xander's look of amazement.

"Speaking of the deranged devil…"

Buffy turned around in her seat and was faced with the Cullen kid. _Great, a stressful end to a weird day._

"Can we talk?" he asked, blatantly ignoring everyone else at the table.

Although she _really _didn't want to get into this sick problem he had with her on one of her only patrol-free nights, she nodded and followed him over to a small alcove where the noise wasn't so loud. _Come on Buffy, bite the bullet._

"Listen Edward-"

"Buffy, please, the man should always speak first."

_Oh great, I really didn't get my prescribed dose of sexism today, thanks for fixing that, Eddy. _

"I feel that we got started off today on the wrong foot. You were too concerned with your trivial life to appreciate how beautiful I was when I stepped into the class and I think you've misinterpreted my concern and adoration for rudeness."

Her mouth was hanging open in sheer amazement, but that didn't prevent him from continuing.

"I mean, I corrected you when you were about to eat more than your daily recommended intake and instead of saying thank you, you made me sit with Larry. We're gonna have to work on your attitude Little Missy." With the last sentence, he cornered her into the alcove, possessively.

Buffy didn't respond for a few seconds, so overcome with the effort of not gagging on her own vomit. Eventually she remembered how to vocalise.

"Edward, there's no need to start acting like a possessive jerk. I know your secret and overcompensating for it is making you look like a real douchebag."

He blinked in obvious disbelief and then laughed that annoying laugh that seemed to enhance that warped, crooked smile. "I figured that it would take you a lot longer to realise the truth like the last girl. I was wrong. Your Slayer powers must have gifted you with more brain cells than the average female."

_What did him being gay have to do with her being the Slayer and how exactly did he know that vital piece of information? It's not like she had the word 'Slayer' branded on her forehead. Also, there was another girl? He'd mentally tortured someone else back in Washington? _She voiced these queries aloud.

"Huh?"

"I was in love with a girl back in Forks called Bella. She was perfect. She licked the mud off my boots after coming inside, she neglected her friends to hang out with me, she let me watch her sleep and she threatened suicide whenever I threatened to leave. Her only real flaw was thinking that sex before marriage was acceptable. I soon set her straight," he sighed nostalgically.

"But then I realised that I was too much of a danger to her and instead of doing the merciful thing and killing her, I left her in a comatose-like state in the woods. I need a woman who is physically strong enough to cuddle with me but psychologically weak enough to be my property. I think that girl is you, Buffy. As the Slayer, you'll make the perfect pet," he smiled that twisted smile again and once again, Buffy choked on her bile.

"You're not gay, are you?"

He threw back his head and laughed that sickly, ringing giggle. "What a wonderful sense of humour you have! I'll enjoy squeezing it out of you as the years go by."

She recovered her senses and shoved him away from her.

"What are you then?" she whispered.

"Oh, like you don't know! I'm a vampire."

Now it was Buffy's turn to laugh.

"Bwahahahahahahahaha!" she chortled.

He ignored her reaction and started to explain.

"I drink the blood of animals and I sparkle in the sunlight…I had to wear five bottles of sun tan lotion to hide my glittery skin at school today. I'm bad to the bone."

Buffy was rolling on the floor at this point. Moments ago she had been freaked out, but now she found it impossible to hide her mirth.

People had started looking and when it became apparent that the whole place was more interested in the altercation than in the music, the band stopped playing.

"Stop laughing, you dumb blond!"

That snapped her right out of it. Before she could defend herself a male voice she knew and loved did it for her.

"HEY! How dare you talk to my girlfriend like that you little pissant!" shouted Angel.

Edward shook his head in confused disgust. "I apologise sir, your girlfriend purposefully led me on and neglected to tell me that she was the property of another-"

"I am NOBODY'S property!" Buffy shouted. "Angel, this guy is crazy! He thinks he's a vampire!"

Angel looked him up and down and he too started laughing. "It's not April Fool's Day kid."

Edward grinded his teeth together in annoyance. "I AM a creature of the night! I'm wicked and bad! This one time, this old lady asked me to help her cross the road, but I refused and she fell and broke her hip! I go to school everyday and it's like-"

"Woah, woah, woah. You actually _go to school?_ That's pathetic. How long have you been blending in with teenagers?" Angel's disgust was almost tangible.

"Over fifty years," Edward admitted proudly.

"That is no way to live! That's pointless self-torture! Why don't you at least fight evil or help the helpless? Too lazy?"

He received no response. People were leaving the Bronze now, bored with the sideshow freak.

"At least _I _have something to feel tortured about! I tormented and murdered thousands of people and I'm actually seeking redemption! You…you..-", Angel couldn't finish his sentence, he was so overcome with loathing. Buffy patted his shoulder reassuringly.

"Don't worry, honey. I'll take care of this."

Edward laughed. "Oh _please!_ What's a little woman like you going to do? Bake cookies and throw them at me? I'm not like you other weak, puny vampires. It'll take a lot more to kill me than a stake through the heart."

Buffy's smile was even wider than his and far more sinister. "Oh, your not worth slaying in my opinion and it is my night off after all. But you gave away your greatest weakness when we were talking. Do you know what I like doing on my night off?"

Edward had the good sense to look frightened.

"I like to _dance. _Hit it, Will!"

On cue, the speakers placed around the club started blaring 'Let Me Blow Ya Mind." Buffy, being a lithe little mover, began to strut her stuff….while using Edward as a poll.

Her friends began to cheer and Angel's frown wasn't quite as prominent as usual. She guessed that that was his way of showing his approval.

Buffy devoted herself to the task- she twisted, writhed and flexed for all she was worth. She was like a flame, dancing and emanating heat. She was the Slayer and she would get the job done, as always.

Edward was horrified. The curvy little creature was far too flexible for her own good. He came to the conclusion that she was a demon sent from Hell to tempt him. He fought in vain until he could stand it no longer. He ran from the almost abandoned building, screaming for his swan. Buffy shouted after him.

"Put that in your pipe and smoke it!"

There was much cheering and rejoicing after the Slayer won the battle. The Slayer bowed to her friends and boyfriend, immensely proud of herself.

"For I am Buffy and I slay the sparklepires with my sexy moves!"

And even though it was a school night, they partied well into the next day.

_Forks, Washington_

A dark-haired, exhausted looking girl ran her fingers through her master's hair. He was crying and shaking with shame and fear.

"I-I-I was s-so scared Bella! She was writhing like the charming snake from the Garden of Eden! I didn't know what to do! The worse part is that I actually felt a stirring in my pants!!!" he wailed into her lap.

Bella smiled sympathetically.

"Edward, don't worry…if you stay with me, I'll obey and never question. I promise you'll never have to deal with an independent woman ever again!"

Edward sniffled as he looked up into her eyes. "Do you-do you mean that?"

"Of course I do."

The delusional couple continued to comfort one another as miles away, in Sunnydale, the blond Slayer resumed dancing with her loved ones.

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**Hope you guys enjoyed it!**

**Brat~**


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